Friday Flash: Discovered Country
Sheila and Ralph held hands as they exited the hospital through doors that opened unbidden before them. The glaring sun forced them to look down at the cold, hard concrete of the sidewalk. From the hospital their steps led them through town and finally to the shore of a deep blue lake. They stood and watched the water.
Pulling nervously on the beads of her necklace, she thought once again of that moment, the exact moment that her world changed forever. Ralph had stared straight ahead – during the doctor’s prepared speech, during the whole walk home. He had kept his free hand concealed within the folds of his sweater.
“What are you going to do now?” she asked. Her eyes shone with barely contained tears.
Ralph rubbed the pebble inside the huge, loose pocket of his cardigan. An almost imperceptible droop of his shoulders betrayed the mountain of pain he carried upon them. “What can I do?” he said at last. “We’ve known this was coming for awhile. My affairs are in order.” He smiled and said, “In the end…”
Bitterness burst through the dam of her defenses, and she left the phrase unfinished as long streams christened her face. Sheila turned away, sobbing.
Several minutes passed.
Eventually she took his other hand, forcing him to release the talisman he’d worried smooth with his touch. “But,” she added, “We have today.” Her eyes rose once more to the lake – the worn landscape of their shared childhood – and together they gazed upon the place they would both finally find peace.
THE END
*This is an essay I wrote for the Antioch Writers’ Workshop this week. We were given a prompt as an exercise, and throughout the week our homework was to craft it into a completed scene. Also, our instructor gave us, among other things, a litmus test to apply to our stories. Namely that if someone were to only read the first and last paragraph of the story, would they be able to figure out what happened in the story. What do you think?
I’m not accustomed to writing something this sentimental. It feels overly syrupy to me, but then again this is quite a departure from my usual fare. It contains no vampires, Greek gods, Shakespearean characters, nor a single zombie unicorn. As always, I beg for welcome feedback.
**Photo provided courtesy of Rickydavid via Flicker and Creative Commons
July 15th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Really beautiful story. You portrayed their love with such tenderness. It’s a sad moment, but you can feel the strength they give each other.
Just excellent.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
The pebble as a talisman, worn smooth by his fingers in the pocket of his cardigan, is what touched me most, made it seem most real. It’s those details of yours that I love.
Your exercise was well done.
July 16th, 2010 at 8:17 am
It’s not syrupy at all (I’m not a syrupy person either, though, so I know what you mean!)
The first/last paragraph thing works, I think.
Right, I’ve read two sad ones in a row, time to find some monster fridayflashes methinks
July 16th, 2010 at 8:43 am
In my opinion, you need to explore this side more. This is gorgeous Catherine, just gorgeous.
And yes, the first and last paragraphs work very well, but I’m glad you included more.
July 16th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Seems like they are using this day correctly. It’s sweet, so you could throw it away for being syrupy if you were entirely anti-sentimental. But I don’t accept anti-sentimentalism as legitimate. I liked it.
July 16th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Beautiful! The first/last paragraph works well too. Loved the “talisman he’d worried smooth.”
July 16th, 2010 at 11:24 pm
I liked the way she plays with her necklace and he rubs the pebble mirroring each other. I also liked the tightness of the piece in the image of the harsh sun beating down creates both an image and reflects the emotion of the piece.
July 17th, 2010 at 1:28 am
Beautiful and tender… A really well-executed piece of flash.
July 17th, 2010 at 11:01 am
It’s sad, but beautiful.
I read it twice, the second time after reading your guidelines. It works fine the as a whole, but I think it could work better as just the fist and second paragraphs if you replaced that “But” with “At least”.
Starting that bit of dialog with a conjunction makes it part of the previous bit of dialog, which given just the first and last paragraphs, does not exist. I think “At least” (or something similar) would solve that problem.
~jon
July 17th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Thank you so much for the feedback, everyone!
John,
I’m not entirely anti-sentimental either. I’m just not used to writing it, so I don’t have a good feeling for how much is too much.
Jon,
I think you’re right about it working as just 2 if I added, “At least,” but I think I’m going to leave it for now. It would be tighter, but I like the little bit of flashback and her fiddling with the necklace. Thank you for the suggestion though!
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Thank you again.
July 17th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
This is beautifully written. I didn’t feel it was “overly syrupy”; I think it had just the right amount of emotion.
~2
July 18th, 2010 at 6:07 am
Lovely story, a beautifully written blend of tenderness and anguish. I think the first/last paragraphs stand just fine on their own.
July 19th, 2010 at 6:53 pm
Excellent story. Very well done. It’s quite sad, and that works perfect in this story. I understand perfectly when you say you’re not sure how it seems since it doesn’t have any speculative elements to it. I always feel the same way when I write such stories. You did great!