Friday Flash: Captain P
Captain P
When he’d first been exposed to the toxin, the doctors’ incredulity matched his own.
Perry had never been extraordinary in any way. In fact, his coworkers might have described him as ‘easily forgettable’ if they had given him any thought whatsoever. Work related accidents were an infrequent occurrence in his profession, but then he rarely took his students on a tour of the local research facility. However, his natural clumsiness, a toxicologist’s workstation, and a student’s poorly placed whoopee cushion inevitably led to disaster.
He survived.
Whether or not tragedy was averted depends largely on your point of view.
To his doctors’ amazement, his internal physiology evolved to incorporate the new chemical, though his outward appearance remained the same. His physicians tested him repeatedly. However, he had never been wealthy, and his increasing hospital bills soon forced his doctors to discharge him.
Perry returned to his meager apartment, relieved at the prospect of resuming his normal routine. However, he soon faced an angry landlord and puzzled plumbers as the result of his recent near-death experience became alarmingly clear. Faced with eviction, he returned to the hospital and demanded that something be done.
Fate, however, was not kind. The very day he returned ‘for further testing,’ a distraught mental patient took Perry hostage along with several of the hospital’s staff. At the point of a gun, they were herded into a first floor storeroom and locked inside. It seemed hopeless.
Perry’s doctor nudged him. When the patient shook his head, the physician shot him a meaningful glare, which he resented.
“Alright, FINE,” he said, and unzipped.
Everyone stood safely behind him and watched, in fascinated horror, as he created an exit. Soon, despite their shock, the sound of nearby gunfire convinced the hostages to flee through the freshly smoking hole in the hospital’s side. They had escaped the mad gunman, though the trauma of the escape itself would remain with many for the rest of their lives.
Perry had finally managed to become unforgettable.
With mixed feelings, he took the reward money (along with custom-made undergarments, courtesy of the hospital). The mayor managed to keep the details discreetly out of the papers.
#
Perry bid the contractor goodbye and stepped into his new log cabin. The view from his modest home was spectacular, here at the summit of Schmidt Mountain. From the front window, he surveyed the countryside, imagining himself master of all he saw. Luckily, the State Park Service – whose property he overlooked- couldn’t read his thoughts. It would have disturbed even the most hardened bureaucrat.
The reward money had allowed him the financial freedom to live in near isolation – near enough to avoid the penury from nonstop plumbing bills; yet his condition had proved as much a blessing as a curse. That’s what he told himself as he scanned the headlines of the newspaper neatly pinned to the wall of his newly installed outhouse.
He crumpled the latest headline with one hand while shaking himself dry with the other. Then he tossed it into the steaming hole and wondered what his Superhero name should be. Somehow, “The Urinator” didn’t have quite the right ring to it.
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*This story was inspired by one of our weekly D&D sessions, where we frequently spend large amounts of time debating Superhero abilities.
**If you are interested, I also have a review of ‘Ender’s Game’ up at the Functional Nerds website.
**image courtesy of Bigfoto.com
January 19th, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Ha! I knew it was going to be something good, but I wasn’t sure what. That was too funny. Not a super power one would hope for, but at least it all worked out for him.
January 19th, 2012 at 10:12 pm
Oh, my. How funny.
Wouldn’t Newton’s third law of motion dictate [no pun intended] that he brace himself somehow to keep from being thrown backwards from the stream?
January 19th, 2012 at 10:57 pm
LOL, this reminds me of a favorite Frank Zappa tune, “Why does it hurt when I pee?” One certainly cannot choose the gifts of a benevolent and sarcastic supreme being. Keep ‘em coming.
January 19th, 2012 at 11:21 pm
LOL That’s a funny superhero ability.
January 20th, 2012 at 12:11 am
How come none of my medical malpractice and toxin problems gave me superpowers? I’m already freaking WIZ-well! This guy is stealing my destiny!
January 20th, 2012 at 10:46 am
Well, not to be indelicate, but his power isn’t so much in the force of the stream as the power of the acid. So, he has good range, but it’s not like a fire hose!
January 20th, 2012 at 10:47 am
You know, I really can’t argue with your logic. Wiz-well would be the perfect name to accompany that power!
January 20th, 2012 at 10:57 am
Do. Not. Cross. The. Streams.
January 20th, 2012 at 10:59 am
Great story, Cathy! This reminds me of a condition I read about once, that makes your urine turn blue. Freaky superpower to have.
January 20th, 2012 at 11:29 am
Was not expecting that flash from the picture.
January 20th, 2012 at 11:56 am
ROFLOL!
January 20th, 2012 at 11:57 am
The photo is one I use for ‘Flash’ Fiction. “Flash” – get it? Get it? *nudge nudge wink wink*
January 20th, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Of course, I should have realized it was the composition of the stream, not the force. On the other hand, my way he might have developed a rudimentary [emphasis on the rude] method flight.
January 21st, 2012 at 11:46 am
Hahahaha! This is absolutely hilarious Catherine. I love it!
January 21st, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Haha, what a double-edged sword that superpower is.
It reminds me of the reason why we don’t have an acid that will eat through everything… because we wouldn’t have anything that we could store it in.
January 21st, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Hehe, I didn’t realize it, but I guess the pic was a bit misleading too. I was thinking “Flash” for Flash Fiction, but I think I might have inadvertently hinted at a different power.
January 21st, 2012 at 6:17 pm
And the need for the custom-made undies is made abundantly clear.
January 21st, 2012 at 11:33 pm
Funny Catherine, not what I was expecting at all. These super heros come in all shapes and sizes, I guess this one won’t be wanting the coloured tights! ^_^
January 22nd, 2012 at 8:06 am
I love reading about random superpowers but this one has to be one of the best ones I’ve come across.
January 22nd, 2012 at 10:39 am
Ha! Catherine, this is great!
January 22nd, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Thought I had already commented, but comment has not showed up.
Pretty sure I said before this is a funny funny superpower. LOL
January 22nd, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Thank you so much! That just made my day.
January 22nd, 2012 at 6:01 pm
I thought I had approved your other comment. I’m sorry it didn’t show up. Thanks for reading!
January 22nd, 2012 at 6:51 pm
[...] Welcome to My Writing Niche, a podcast for new writers. Today I’ll talk about inspiration, as well as read my latest piece of flash fiction, Captain P. [...]
January 25th, 2012 at 11:57 am
This puts a whole new spin on the inability of men to hit the target!!
Funny funny funny.. Kind of compliments John’s story this week..
January 25th, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Ha! I’m giggling
Great story